Hope

Reach me down my Tycho Brahé,—I would know him when we meet,
When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet;
He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how
We are working to completion, working on from then till now.

Pray, remember, that I leave you all my theory complete,
Lacking only certain data, for your adding, as is meet;
And remember, men will scorn it, 'tis original and true,
And the obloquy of newness may fall bitterly on you.

But, my pupil, as my pupil you have learnt the worth of scorn;
You have laughed with me at pity, we have joyed to be forlorn;
What, for us, are all distractions of men's fellowship and smiles?
What, for us, the goddess Pleasure, with her meretricious wiles?

You may tell that German college that their honour comes too late.
But they must not waste repentance on the grizzly savant's fate;
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night.

What, my boy, you are not weeping? You should save your eyes for sight;
You will need them, mine observer, yet for many another night.
I leave none but you, my pupil, unto whom my plans are known.
You "have none but me," you murmur, and I "leave you quite alone"?

Well then, kiss me,—since my mother left her blessing on my brow,
There has been a something wanting in my nature until now;
I can dimly comprehend it,—that I might have been more kind,
Might have cherished you more wisely, as the one I leave behind.

I "have never failed in kindness"? No, we lived too high for strife,—
Calmest coldness was the error which has crept into our life;
But your spirit is untainted, I can dedicate you still
To the service of our science: you will further it? you will!

There are certain calculations I should like to make with you,
To be sure that your deductions will be logical and true;
And remember, "Patience, Patience," is the watchword of a sage,
Not to-day nor yet to-morrow can complete a perfect age.

I have sown, like Tycho Brahé, that a greater man may reap;
But if none should do my reaping, 'twill disturb me in my sleep.
So be careful and be faithful, though, like me, you leave no name;
See, my boy, that nothing turn you to the mere pursuit of fame.

I must say Good-bye, my pupil, for I cannot longer speak;
Draw the curtain back for Venus, ere my vision grows too weak:
It is strange the pearly planet should look red as fiery Mars,—
God will mercifully guide me on my way amongst the stars.

— "The Old Astronomer," Sarah Williams (1868)

Grief

To exist is to have things to grieve; it is the rare individual who goes a lifetime without finding companionship in some form or another, and even then, the mind finds it possible to grieve other attachments—in a way, nostalgia can be said to be a sort of grief for the more abstract. When one passes the span of a natural life, therefore, it is natural to have even more grief upon one's shoulders, especially when one seeks to stay engaged with human lives.

Which is to say: when one is a vampire, it is commonplace to find oneself surrounded by death, eventually. If not disaster, if not the excesses of one's own hunger, then time will do the job. When the easiest way to protect oneself is to create distance, that's when humanity starts to fade from even the gentlest of vampires.

I suppose instead she chose to feel; she chose to live and die in the way that felt right to her. But if I can be so bold as to call myself a parent, even a surrogate one—what parent wants to outlive their child?

Would I ransom what remains of my soul to Hell, to give her one more chance? No, but she would not want that; I cannot bargain for her life. "For God so loved the world, He gave His only son—" and yet, He got His son back in the end, didn't he?

For all that I would never turn from this path I have chosen, for all that I believe regardless of any external confirmation that I believe in what is good and just—I wish that just once, God would answer even a single one of my prayers.

Agape

Agape (Ancient Greek ἀγάπη, agapē) is a Greco-Christian term referring to unconditional love, "the highest form of love, charity" and "the love of God for man and of man for God". The word is not to be confused with philia, brotherly love, or philautia, self-love, as it embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. It goes beyond just the emotions to the extent of seeking the best for others. The noun form first occurs in the Septuagint, but the verb form goes as far back as Homer, translated literally as affection, as in "greet with affection" and "show affection for the dead". Other ancient authors have used forms of the word to denote love of a spouse or family, or affection for a particular activity, in contrast to eros (an affection of a sexual nature).

Within Christianity, agape is considered to be the love originating from God or Christ for humankind. In the New Testament, it refers to the covenant love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God; the term necessarily extends to the love of one's fellow human beings. Some contemporary writers have sought to extend the use of agape into non-religious contexts.

Miaoshan Du first felt she understood agape in her childhood, as she dutifully studied the holy texts (see "Early Childhood Education in the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom"), but at that time it was a purely academic understanding, and a basic one, at that.

It was well into her third decade when she felt she had grasped it better at last. Having seen suffering, suffered much, and inflicted great suffering, she found that she did not wish to abandon the world, though her soul ached for the burden it carried. Rather, she made her new purpose to improve the world by whatever means she could—by encouraging others to choose kindness, and by eliminating what unnatural monsters walked the earth.

She even found in herself compassion for some vampires outside her Order that she felt cared for the world on their own terms; however, she was long conflicted about this, as on multiple occasions needing to operate within vampiric society to influence those individuals tied her hands in the pursuit of justice.

It is worth noting that the definition of "love" can vary from person to person. In the case of Miaoshan Du, she has always felt that agape means giving care, dignity, and respect to all others. It is also her philosophy that respect means that others are free to make their own choices, but are not free from the consequences of their actions.

The Price of Progress

What maintains the status quo is the fact that many who are not suffering finds that the present state of affairs suits them just fine. The problem is, therefore, that among we Kindred and among mortals, the selfish will hold the world back.

The question then remains of how one may change hearts and minds. Some would consider offering incentive to those who are not motivated by ideals alone—positive reinforcement, we call that in psychology. But then, should not those who do good for its own sake be rewarded equally or better? There is also the use of negative reinforcement, which is to say, punishment. Many who would act in a criminal fashion would hardly be stopped by harsher laws, though; some might even seek to overthrow the current order, if it became inconvenient enough.

What should we do, then? Particularly with Kindred, who can be set in their ways—but Kindred may still be taught. After all, we have the wonderful Academy of the Ordo Dracul, where many of our finest scholars reside. I firmly believe that anyone can be taught, with enough repetition, and enough varying reinforcement; we simply need to cease to accept refusal to learn. There is no need for the brutality of executions among our kind; rehabilitation is entirely possible.

Certainly, there are those who would not accept the methods, and who would say that Kindred have a right to self-determination, even when they've done terrible things. But for a kinder, brighter world, is there truly any price too steep?

The Legend of Miaoshan

A story from the Precious Scroll of Fragrant Mountain (香山寶卷) describes an incarnation of Guanyin as the daughter of a cruel king Miaozhuang Wang who wanted her to marry a wealthy but uncaring man. The story is usually ascribed to the research of the Buddhist monk Jiang Zhiqi during the 11th century. The story is likely to have its origin in Taoism. When Jiang penned the work, he believed that the Guanyin we know today was actually a princess called Miaoshan (妙善), who had a religious following on Fragrant Mountain. Despite this there are many variants of the story in Chinese mythology.

According to the story, after the king asked his daughter Miaoshan to marry the wealthy man, she told him that she would obey his command, so long as the marriage eased three misfortunes.

The king asked his daughter what were the three misfortunes that the marriage should ease. Miaoshan explained that the first misfortune the marriage should ease was the suffering people endure as they age. The second misfortune it should ease was the suffering people endure when they fall ill. The third misfortune it should ease was the suffering caused by death. If the marriage could not ease any of the above, then she would rather retire to a life of religion forever.

When her father asked who could ease all the above, Miaoshan pointed out that a doctor was able to do all of these. Her father grew angry as he wanted her to marry a person of power and wealth, not a healer. He forced her into hard labour and reduced her food and drink but this did not cause her to yield.

Every day she begged to be able to enter a temple and become a nun instead of marrying. Her father eventually allowed her to work in the temple, but asked the monks to give her the toughest chores in order to discourage her. The monks forced Miaoshan to work all day and all night while others slept in order to finish her work. However, she was such a good person that the animals living around the temple began to help her with her chores. Her father, seeing this, became so frustrated that he attempted to burn down the temple. Miaoshan put out the fire with her bare hands and suffered no burns. Now struck with fear, her father ordered her to be put to death.

Miaoshan allowed herself to die at the hand of the executioner. According to this legend, as the executioner tried to carry out her father's orders, his axe shattered into a thousand pieces. He then tried a sword which likewise shattered. He tried to shoot Miaoshan down with arrows but they all veered off.

Finally in desperation he used his hands. Miaoshan, realising the fate that the executioner would meet at her father's hand should she fail to let herself die, forgave the executioner for attempting to kill her. It is said that she voluntarily took on the massive karmic guilt the executioner generated for killing her, thus leaving him guiltless. It is because of this that she descended into the Hell-like realms. While there, she witnessed first-hand the suffering and horrors that the beings there must endure, and was overwhelmed with grief. Filled with compassion, she released all the good karma she had accumulated through her many lifetimes, thus freeing many suffering souls back into Heaven and Earth. In the process, that Hell-like realm became a paradise. It is said that Yama, the ruler of hell, sent her back to Earth to prevent the utter destruction of his realm, and that upon her return she appeared on Fragrant Mountain.

Joy

A good book
Listening to rain from indoors
Learning something new
Cooking for others
Gardening and seeing plants grow
Science fiction
Close camaraderie
Travel to new places
An engaging conversation
Seeing change for the better in the world
Teaching things to others
Writing on fresh paper
Getting a letter from a friend
The smell of coffee
Holding hands???

Love

There are of course, the four loves: agape, philia, eros, and storge. The first of those four has been discussed elsewhere; here, we turn to the other three.

As someone who was set apart and somewhat different from her peers even in the unusual society of the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, Miaoshan Du largely bonded with her family, and particularly her mother and sister. As a result, one could surmise that she found it particularly easy to relate to others in a familial manner as a result, and often found herself in positions of mentorship to younger people around her as she became older. It was for her, the simplest way to show affection. The young women who she changed into monsters after her own nature, or adopted within vampire society—she considered them to be the daughters she would otherwise never have.

Iris Virga, who was lacking a mother; Paula Pacheco Ruíz, who would later be known as "Grace" on Taisho Roman Revolution, who lacked support for her ambitions from her family; Eve, who found herself alone in Los Angeles but for someone who viewed her as an accessory. To them, she tried to be the rock they could rely on; a strong support they would never have to worry about. The results were mixed.

Perhaps due to the fact that she arrived at BAD END=DEAD END with amnesia, the newly-dubbed "Hope" found it easier to form peer-level bonds of affection with those around her. Furthermore, she found herself surrounded by many like-minded individuals—something she hadn't experienced but for her times working with larger cells of the Sept. This could be considered true philia, to use Lewis's definitions. Hope found herself trying to meet them where they were—to be able to give them the affection they found comforting, just as they had given her care in turn.

The love that she had always found most difficult to grasp was romantic love; due to her early experiences, she found it fraught at best. Furthermore, due to her personal mission and the way she prioritized her ideals, it left precious little room for close bonds of that kind. Furthermore, she was afraid: of what she could be compelled to do, with that kind of feeling. Her steps toward eros were tentative—finding that part of her did want to kiss Amaranth, experimenting with going on a date with Nychta. And toward Sashay Silfda, who she called Aria, she realized that their mutual understanding and care had, to her, become love.

This then, raises the question: which love should take priority? To love all equally still eventually requires one to make a choice.

Religious Perspectives

It is certainly true that I am religious; when I say I believe, though, I find I must explain to some that religion for people in my world is a matter of faith and practice, rather than interacting with a god or gods themselves. For us, one might quote the line from Saint-Exupery: "It is only in the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." While we have tales of old of gods coming down from on high to change the world, that age seems to have passed, if it was more than metaphor or fable.

The faith that I have claimed and continue to choose is one of love, service, and kindness; of one that works toward an ideal world, a heaven-on-earth. The way Gnostics tell it, there is a true creator, who created a perfect world, and a Demiurge who usurped it, and is responsible for the pain and sorrow that exist as part of life. One could consider that as metaphor (the Demiurge as a collective embodiment of human selfishness and cruelty that can be exercised as a part of free will) or as the literal, with an invisible agent of evil causing humanity to struggle.

From my perspective, whether it is literal or metaphorical matters not; it also doesn't matter if it is false. What I have faith in is the rightness of these beliefs—that what I ought to do for the world and the universe is to try and spread goodness, be kind to others, and fix or remove that which is harmful.

If it turned out there was no god—no Demiurge, no Creator—or even that a god existed, but one who demanded the opposite of me, to subjugate and control... I would not stray from my path. Even to damnation, I have faith in what I believe is good and right, and should the powers that be prove me wrong, then I will fight them tooth and nail until I am right.

Distinctions of Life and Personhood

If you asked me why I deserve to be alive—well, strictly speaking, I am not "alive," as I have consigned myself to a pale imitation of life for the enactment of justice upon the earth. Yes, I know it might appear as such, but I think the distinction is important.

As such, to "deserve" to be alive is also, I think, in question. I do not believe being alive is a question of deserving or not deserving, as we all live and die in the turns of the season that God designs, apart from those of us who walk the path of night. I, who have committed many grievous sins, both at the will of others and of my own accord, might easily be condemned to death for my actions; I too could be condemned for actions I saw as acts of justice by those who oppose me. In the end, there is but one judge—or there should be.

How shall the wheat be separated from the chaff? I could not say, and therefore, I could not tell you the answer to your question. I do my best to live a life of virtue—to act with kindness and generosity toward others, to seek justice in the world around me, to act humbly. And yet, I falter, as all creation may, as we reach toward perfection. After all, I am a monster.

The concept of "personhood" gets brought up to me regularly, when I mention that I consider myself to be a monster, rather than a person. This is not to say it is a judgement of myself or my value, but simply a fact; I died and was resurrected as something that can only sustain itself on the lives of humans as a parasite, that finds the warmth of the sun to be anathema. To be immortal amongst humans, to categorize them as a source of food, is to need to struggle against othering oneself, against seeing those around you as objects—meals, tools, weapons, animals. Humanity is no longer my nature, and must be part of my every intention if I wish to cling to it. I must consider my monstrosity to be the object—a tool for the preservation of the humanity which I love.

So rather than consider my existence a matter of deserving, I have a mission, and holy work to do—and refuse to give up until it is complete. Though others will take my place should I fall in the line of duty, if I can, by my own hands, help uplift the world toward its true form, then I must, until I can fight no longer.

The Practice of Love

One's impulse might be to only love those things that show you love—to let those things that are hurtful or difficult fall by the wayside. I think, for many people, to love as such is fine, if they are not called to do otherwise. But if we are to imagine a world better than the one we occupy, we cannot stop there.

I suppose I should speak to what I consider "love" to be. The idea of unconditional love as all-accepting I don't think is productive or useful. Rather, an unconditional love should be one that does not give up on that which is loved, even when things are difficult or tense, or when there is disagreement. Love is investment in others; to want to see them flourish and grow, in spite of adversity, to want to reach mutual understanding, to expect better of them when they falter. In fact, sometimes especially to expect better when they falter.

To love in such a way sometimes requires one to rethink one's own positions; to sometimes bend in accordance—but does not require one's convictions to be subsumed by those of others.

A Hand-Bound Sheaf of Papers

I'm going to take the examinations next time they're offered and become a court official. I think if I did that I could help make a lot of things happen that would make life easier for people, but also for Mom and Little Sister. I'd also make it so that there's examinations for women all the time.

I want to learn a lot more things, too. The chemistry that the missionaries talked about, and how the stars traverse the sky and how they stay up there, why the sky is blue, how birds are able to fly (are stars like birds?). I know there's a why to everything, but I need to find someone that knows all of it.

If I could go to a place like a university... I think I'd like that. I'd have to travel a long way and learn another language, probably, but It'd be worth it. Maybe it's just for my own satisfaction, but I think there must be uses for all of it, too. It'd be boring to just know things and not be able to do anything with them.

If I was in a place where everyone wanted to learn, too—there'd be people who understood what I meant by that. I'm sure.

Anger

It's debated whether St. Augustine did in fact coin the saying, "Hope has two daughters: Anger and Courage," but the idea is an attractive one. After all, being able to believe in a better world (Hope) would ideally lead to anger at the way things are, as well as the courage to effect change.

Hope of BAD END=DEAD END wonders when Grace Yi stopped being angry; her younger years were so characterized by anger at the state of the world and the willingness to enact justice, but at a certain point she softened—became more willing to work with the establishment, to exercise patience, to wait.

Was that patience, or was it reticence? Was it in service of a plan, or was it complacency and sloth? Iris Virga named the attractive surroundings of Tokyo-F as a temptation toward complacency, while she visited; can a temptation toward peace, toward laying down the sword be complacency as well?

To her, it seems, there are several paths forward: to understand why the her of the past laid down the sword, to see if there was any merit to it, or to reject that path, having seen what her mentees wrought when she attempted to work with vampires in hopes of bending their social order toward something better. What path she will choose remains to be seen.

Testimonials: Samantha Moon

S: You watched Mr. Rogers. Why am I not surprised?
H: Of course I did. Public television is a social good.
S: Yeah. Well, "good" has always been your brand.
H: (pauses) ...that you've seen, at least. Now—what were you going to tell me?
S: That I'm the opposite. That unlike you, I probably deserve Hell.
H: Will the dramatics of people wanting me to hate them never cease.
H: Pardon me if I'm terse, but I've been fielding a lot of that this week. But I really do want to know. If I promise I won't immediately leave this conversation, will you tell me?
S: I'm getting to it. It's just...complicated. How much do you remember the Predators?
H: I remember what happened to Iris's... sister? That she became one of them.
H: And that other one, the man. Despond? ...probably about time I went fishing for more memories relating to that, but if you can shed more light on that I'd be much obliged.
S: Iris's sister. After she was "uplifted."
S: She was killed. Do you remember that?
H: ...no. Not yet.
S: Well. She was.
S: It was supposed to be a capture. She was running around, murdering people. We were supposed to stop her, try to rein in the chaos. But things didn't go according to plan. I could have stopped it. But I didn't.

(silence)

H: There's a lot of "I could have stopped it, but I didn't" out there in the world. You'd hardly be the first. I'll ask you the same thing I ask everyone who comes to me with that sort of thing: what would you do differently, if you could do it again?
S: I would have protected Iris better than I did.
H: I've had to think a great deal recently about the idea of what we owe to one another—
H: ...not least because when their other loved ones are on the line, it seems many of the units here don't seem to think they owe mine anything. From any action, who gains? Who is harmed? Caring for one another, we must care for the things that they care for, as well.
H: ...now I don't know if Iris would be satisfied, but—that's an answer I'm more or less satisfied with.
H: I don't know how it became a conception that I've never made mistakes. I just know the only kind I know for certain I would not forgive are the ones that one refuses to learn from.
S: You're a natural leader, Grace. You project an aura of certainty that most of us never dream of possessing.
S: Anyway, I'm okay if Iris never forgives me. It would be harder if you didn't.

---

H: I respected the work the Prince of Los Angeles was doing, I believe, which is why I came to settle there. But to create a world free of darkness has long been my goal.
S: Little Sam was darkness. And the other Predators too.
S: It's why I can't regret what happened, Grace. And why I won't let it happen again. Any of it.
H: Not having my own recollection or perspective on that time as of yet—I'll defer passing any kind of judgment on darkness. I just—well, I know Iris loved that little girl.
H: At some point—I suppose I decided there was some worth to being a vampire able to combat vampires on their own level, or, at least, that it could blacken my heart little more than being a ghoul had.
H: ...I wonder when I decided that not all vampires were past hope. I wonder if there's any hope for them, too, or if there's a point of no return.
S: I think when you forget how to feel, forget what empathy is, that's a pretty bad sign. When you break the world just to prove you're better, you kinda cross a line.
H: That's certainly to the extreme end, no doubt. I'm just starting to recall that I'm hardly free of sin myself.
S: Just remember...you didn't wreck the world.
H: That's a bit like telling someone "at least you're not as bad as Hitler," Samantha. It's not holding myself to a high standard to be regretful of the things I did to others and the way I affected the world.

---

H: Sam, if you remember anything, though, remember this: no one is "good." That's part of what free will means; we can make choices for good or for ill, and to continue the work is to strive to make more of the former than the latter. No individual is infallible.

Testimonials: Iris Virga

I: There is... no one at all... dearer to me than you, Grace. Du Miaoshan. (pause) ...Not still living, at least.

---

I: Grace. Why do you have a tail?
H: I was hoping it would go away, after a bit, but—I suppose not. I sustained... a rather devastating injury. My whole unit did—during one of these games, recently. It leaves marks.
H: ...they're not very much like the Ordo at all, but I'm fond of them. I'd like to protect them, if I can.
I: Of course. Of course you want that. Especially... with such stakes. I just can't accept that you've died. Not once and for all. Not to end here. Surely you, of all of us, should have made it past the bounds of the Demiurge.
H: Even if that's so—if you think that highly of me, I'm glad—I'm told not everyone here is strictly—dead, exactly. Some here receive offers after a while to return to their homes, work completed. It seems that not everyone even has the same notion of Hell, either. My—
H: Though, actually, before I forget, there's probably something else I should tell you.
I: What is it.
H: I... would imagine I never broached this topic with you, Iris, though if I did, I will feel rather silly in a few moments, but, ah... Well. I think I might be gay, Iris. And, ah—well, I'd like you to meet my partner, sometime.
I: Grace. Grace, please understand that I have slept with so many people.
H: Listen. I have been avoiding having a sexuality for a century, Iris; it's strange to talk about!
I: You made me think you were going to tell me something even worse about the nature of Hell.
I: I... admit it's not something I would have expected. You seemed so... devout, even, in your chastity. A better priest than me, in that way. I'd almost come to think I was just too much— well. Too much of a Daeva about it all.
H: Is that what you... well. I don't... know if I had any opinion about that.
H: It's really nothing so special. I just have my own fears that I've never entirely been able to disentangle myself from. I just always had... something more important to do than confront them.
I: Oh. I'm sorry. I—I should have known. I failed you, in that case.
H: How could you have known? I could barely articulate it to myself, I think. And if one can find love in the depths of hell, then a great many things are possible. In any case—I think you'll like them.
I: A-alright. I... well. It sounds... really wonderful, in that case. I don’t entirely know how to handle the idea of there being anything truly good found in hell. But I suppose it’s no surprise that the Demiurge would underestimate you.
H: I will wrest hope from the jaws of despair and no one can stop me.

---

I: I've always admired your confidence. Your certainty, in everything. I'm glad it is as strong as ever, Hell or not. Before—what you said... Is it possible that you didn't die, after all? Not with... finality, I mean.
H: Well, certainly not that I remember, not that that's a particularly useful metric, but it also seems that Hell has a way to ensnare people who are yet alive, or—you know, approximations thereof—given its current power.
H: Also, I'd be very irritated if I didn't die on my own terms, and given the scope of work that there is to be done and the fact that based on my calculations my "present" is 2014, I rather doubt that all was well enough then for me to decide it was the right time.
I: ...No, you didn’t think it was. You had just started a new... project, after all, and that was still true when I—Ah. The “you” I saw last still intended to see it through. So. I’ll be hopeful.
H: It did seem like it would be rather unlike me—
H: ...did we part ways again, then? I know we were only corresponding for a while.
I: Ah. Well... after things ended in L.A., I went to live in the foothills with Star—I don’t know if you remember them yet. It’s been a year since, for me. You visited once, but... we did succeed in causing a great deal of trouble for everyone else. Lots to do—more with your specialties than mine.
H: Do I...? I'm not sure if I remember them, but—I feel like I get awful about keeping in touch when I'm busy. I'll admit I have no idea what happened in Los Angeles apart from—
H: ...well. I don't know how long it took you to. Recover.
I: ...What is the last thing you remember?
H: I think, based on my understanding—the most recent thing I remember is the girl, the—smaller Sam, as it were. Your sister. When she almost killed you.
I: ...Ah. Well. That wasn't the end of me, no. Sam still needed my help, for one thing.
H: Iris—What happened to you.
I: ...Call it a test of faith, perhaps. Perhaps I'll never learn the answer.
H: How many young people in my care have I failed over the years, I wonder.
I: You didn't fail me. None of it was—your doing.

---

H: You're gone, aren't you. For good.
I: ...Yes.
H: I—
H: Anything I could give you now would never be enough to make up for it. There are no circumstances where I'd think there was nothing I could have done, for love.

You said there are no circumstances where you'd think there was nothing you could do for love, but there are plenty of things you wouldn't, you proud bastard. She'd give you everything, and you could say she did, and what did you do for her, really?

---

H: Why wasn't I there?
I: I wanted to be alright. So I told you... that I was alright. I wanted you to be... proud. Of what we'd accomplished. You had lots to do after breaking the Masquerade, after all.
H: I should have known. I know you, you're my—I know you. Maybe I did know, but—I get so wrapped up in things, when I have a project. Was it—was it at least worth it?
I: I think it was.
I: It... was never going to be easy. A lot of neonates died, because they got hopeful first, when the hunters weren't ready yet. But we—you, really; I just helped spread the message— You got it so that, at least in our region, there wasn't going to be any looking back. You made sure it happened for the right reasons. Maybe my life had some meaning, because of that.
H: It always had meaning, Iris. Because your life was part of mine.

Testimonials: Sashay Silfda Eistria AAA Absolute Dagger Zero Slaughtervodka, Resounding Aria of Dawn

H: The judgment's just for flavor, in the end. I can't really fuss about people voting for mine.
A: I certainly can! No being that is itself subject to judgement has any right to cast judgement upon any other with any measure of authority, imagined or otherwise! For anyone to believe you have committed some atrocity and that an end must be put to it whether through violence or condemnation is one thing, but to demand or advocate for punishment for the sake of what is "moral" or "just" is itself an atrocity!

---

H: You know, both Iris and Sam—the other one who was here as a guest—they were so shocked I had any kind of love life.
A: I can't imagine it was very much of a focus for you during the time you spent with them, was it?
H: I don't remember all of it, but—no, not at all. I thought I could table that issue until everything else was in much better shape. It wasn't really necessary.
H: ...I suppose, too, that I thought that if I was going to give my successors hope, then I ought to show confidence about the way I lived.
A: "Show". You didn't have that confidence in reality, then?
H: ...well, it felt like a silly thing to be afraid of.
A: Fear is never silly, Miaoshan. It is nothing more or less than a measure of one's love of life.
H: ...I suppose I never thought about it that way.
A: The perspective of a beast is occasionally a salient one.
H: I'd say a far bit more than "occasionally." Maybe I always just thought of it as wanting to keep fighting, but...
A: But?
H: ...I wonder, is self-preservation really a virtue, in a creature like me. But on the other hand, to hear you talk about wanting to survive—I was glad.
A: Well, if you can forgive a beast like me for wanting to live then surely you can forgive a monster like yourself for the same!
H: ...I suppose I can't argue with that.
A: I know.
H: I'm still half-tempted to argue on principle, though.
A: You'd lose.
H: See, I don't even believe the opposite side and now I'm feeling compelled regardless due to who I am as a person who likes winning, so please distract me before I get going—
A: Oh, but I like seeing you win!
H: I can't believe I found someone who wants to listen to me debate fiddly and mildly depressing philosophical topics. Though if I am getting into it, I'm fair certain I chose this for myself. I don't know if that can be forgiven, and at the time I think I didn't care so long as it achieved my ends.
A: It didn't really seem to me that you chose it.
H: ...I think later I did. And Iris isn't just... an adopted daughter of sorts, but I made her like me. Because she asked, but—I wonder now if that was the right choice.
A: Acceptance that something irreversible has been forced on you is not choosing it, Miaoshan.
H: ...at some point I left. Escaped? Killed him? I don't know.
H: But shortly after that time I remember still being mortal, and fully possessed of my own wits again. Rather—mortal strength only goes so far when you've committed your life to fighting monsters. I remember thinking—isn't that worth more than my immortal soul, or the blessings of a mortal life? Being able to fight?
A: Mm. Three things.
A: One, to live is to fight and to fight is to live. Two, does your god not place upon your the duty of leaving the world a better place than you entered it, the same as mine?
A: Three, why is it that you felt the need to fight monsters in the first place?
H: ...because there was no other option.
A: So it wasn't a choice.
H: At least not in a way that I could bear. Technically, there were other things that I could have done; I cannot see myself having chosen any of them.
H: ...if there's no choice, can it still be right to do? Can it be wrong?
A: Insofar as it is possible to do harm when one does not have a choice, which is the only standard one can consider something to be right or wrong, yes. But why should the fault of something that was done because some other entity created a situation in which it must or likely would be fall on the shoulders of those who already have to bear the guilt?
H: You know, I still prefer this conversation to actually engaging with what’s going on outside. …I just can’t stand the idea that it changed me in such an indelible way.
A: We can stop, if you'd like. In truth, my initial statement was supposed to be more of a romantic joke, though this conversation has turned out to be anything but.
A: ...Though - I must say that having lacked a choice at some point in the past is not the same as lacking a choice for the entirety of one's future. An injury does not heal instantly, and one cannot function as they normally would without that injury, but good care and faith and time heal all wounds. And even after - the scars fade, too. Or, if you prefer, think that being funneled onto a path does not dictate how one travels it, only that they must until they come across a fork in the road.

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[ This particular page is covered in marginalia, mostly in the form of black ballpoint pen underlining phrases emphatically and writing exclamation points. There is at least one "yeah!!!" ]

A: I would not be subjected to nor would I subject others to compulsion. The person who I love the most would rather die than ever face that horror again, as would most of my pack.

A: I would rather drench my own claws in Miaoshan's blood as well as the blood of every single member of my pack than force or compel any one of them to engage in any form of physical intimacy with me, nor even entertain a situation in which their minds have been altered in any way that makes them more amenable to doing so even when they would not otherwise wish to or would not enjoy it as much as they have been made to, nor even place them in a situation in which the only escape is physical intimacy until an outside power has decided they have had enough entertainment. I would rather tear out the throats of every single living creature in this plane, tear their bodies asunder, and feast on their hearts as communion to Luna rather than even entertain the idea that it may be preferable to choose even a momentary loss of one's self, intentions, will, or freedom over risk to life and limb. I would rather tip all that has ever been into the depths of Oblivion itself than see any living creature under any power than its own, and all of my thousands of years have been dedicated to tearing down the thrones of any tyrant who would say otherwise. Given the choice between mistletoe and beastliness I would choose to attack and maul and hurt and kill those who have placed that choice upon my shoulders, but failing that I would choose beastliness and revel in the pain of all those who fall victim to me, because I know that torture and death are mercies when compared to a world where it is acceptable for any being to change the shape of any other's soul.

A: If the hunt is tyranny, then to exist as we do now is tyranny. Life is a tyrant, and death and rebirth are its judicator and prison. I did once believe such a thing - until recently, in fact. That is why I sought Oblivion and believed its embrace to be a mercy that all must be given.
A: I believe that everyone can agree it is for the better that I have come to think otherwise. No, I do not believe the necessities of life constitute an act of tyranny, except insofar as to grant life to a thing is in the first place to impose yourself and existence onto it. Life is a tyranny all its own, but we are all nonetheless living it, so that one day we may find a way to make it less so. Eventually all tyrants will fall, even the ones that granted us our souls in the first place, and Luna willing that fall will not be accompanied by the destruction of all that is, was, and ever will be.
A: But to ensure that comes to pass, we must all do our part and break all chains and slip all collars that are placed upon us by those we can fight and those processes which in our time are not inevitable. For all else, we run and we die and if we have done it right then we leave Creation a better place than we entered it so that those who come after may one day cast off the greatest burden to have been placed upon all of us and we find ourselves in the Creation that Our Lady loved. I believe that Miaoshan and others of her faith call such a place "Heaven".

Testimonials: Serenity

S: I know Hope has a lot of strong feelings about being a vampire. I’ve seen them come out in memories, and I can see why. It can’t be easy. However-- I believe that “vampire” is what, not who Hope is. And a vampire like Hope is a fine thing. I can tell what kind of priorities are and the kind of person she is-- and that's what matters.
S: She’s incredibly smart and keeps her cool when others of us don't. But when it comes down to it, she gets upset about the right things. And she’s not afraid to let us shoulder them with her. Honestly, she’s a really incredible, attractive woman and I’m really grateful to share a unit with her. It's easy to forget sometimes that she doesn't like people touching her. I have to keep reminding myself so I don't forget. I don't want to make her uncomfortable but sometimes I do just want to give her a hug.

You know, you surround yourself with a whole lot of people who want to put you on a pedestal. Doesn't that make you wonder if you're doing it on purpose?

Testimonials: Aradia

A: She is well-read, serious yet kind—even understanding the particulars of their circumstances she endeavors, so you feel, to be kind. You can find it nothing short of admirable, the way that she has chosen to live her life. You could listen to her talk forever.

Guilt

Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone.
We have not loved you with our whole heart;
we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.

I cannot fix all of this. Can I trust in those I taught to teach others? I don't know that I can. But if I were a human, I would have to let go, eventually, whenever my life ended. I wonder if I've gotten too used to the years stretching ahead of me.