Distinctions of Life and Personhood
Aug. 27th, 2021 03:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
libraryofbabelIf you asked me why I deserve to be alive—well, strictly speaking, I am not "alive," as I have consigned myself to a pale imitation of life for the enactment of justice upon the earth. Yes, I know it might appear as such, but I think the distinction is important.
As such, to "deserve" to be alive is also, I think, in question. I do not believe being alive is a question of deserving or not deserving, as we all live and die in the turns of the season that God designs, apart from those of us who walk the path of night. I, who have committed many grievous sins, both at the will of others and of my own accord, might easily be condemned to death for my actions; I too could be condemned for actions I saw as acts of justice by those who oppose me. In the end, there is but one judge—or there should be.
How shall the wheat be separated from the chaff? I could not say, and therefore, I could not tell you the answer to your question. I do my best to live a life of virtue—to act with kindness and generosity toward others, to seek justice in the world around me, to act humbly. And yet, I falter, as all creation may, as we reach toward perfection. After all, I am a monster.
The concept of "personhood" gets brought up to me regularly, when I mention that I consider myself to be a monster, rather than a person. This is not to say it is a judgement of myself or my value, but simply a fact; I died and was resurrected as something that can only sustain itself on the lives of humans as a parasite, that finds the warmth of the sun to be anathema. To be immortal amongst humans, to categorize them as a source of food, is to need to struggle against othering oneself, against seeing those around you as objects—meals, tools, weapons, animals. Humanity is no longer my nature, and must be part of my every intention if I wish to cling to it. I must consider my monstrosity to be the object—a tool for the preservation of the humanity which I love.
So rather than consider my existence a matter of deserving, I have a mission, and holy work to do—and refuse to give up until it is complete. Though others will take my place should I fall in the line of duty, if I can, by my own hands, help uplift the world toward its true form, then I must, until I can fight no longer.
As such, to "deserve" to be alive is also, I think, in question. I do not believe being alive is a question of deserving or not deserving, as we all live and die in the turns of the season that God designs, apart from those of us who walk the path of night. I, who have committed many grievous sins, both at the will of others and of my own accord, might easily be condemned to death for my actions; I too could be condemned for actions I saw as acts of justice by those who oppose me. In the end, there is but one judge—or there should be.
How shall the wheat be separated from the chaff? I could not say, and therefore, I could not tell you the answer to your question. I do my best to live a life of virtue—to act with kindness and generosity toward others, to seek justice in the world around me, to act humbly. And yet, I falter, as all creation may, as we reach toward perfection. After all, I am a monster.
The concept of "personhood" gets brought up to me regularly, when I mention that I consider myself to be a monster, rather than a person. This is not to say it is a judgement of myself or my value, but simply a fact; I died and was resurrected as something that can only sustain itself on the lives of humans as a parasite, that finds the warmth of the sun to be anathema. To be immortal amongst humans, to categorize them as a source of food, is to need to struggle against othering oneself, against seeing those around you as objects—meals, tools, weapons, animals. Humanity is no longer my nature, and must be part of my every intention if I wish to cling to it. I must consider my monstrosity to be the object—a tool for the preservation of the humanity which I love.
So rather than consider my existence a matter of deserving, I have a mission, and holy work to do—and refuse to give up until it is complete. Though others will take my place should I fall in the line of duty, if I can, by my own hands, help uplift the world toward its true form, then I must, until I can fight no longer.